Heartbreak

I will say right now that, at the moment, I have no idea how this post will turn out.  I am writing because I need to externalize what I am feeling right now, before it spirals in my mind into hopeless depression and drives me insane.  As you can probably infer from the uncreative title, yes: I have officially joined the likes of Adele, Taylor Swift, P!nk, Beyoncé, Blink 182, and some R&B artists as someone who has been dumped and is milking the self-pity for all it’s worth.

It sucks.  A lot.  And I’m really, really hurt.  His excuse: he has a past…there was another girl…he can’t date me anymore…  That is all.  I’m guessing something happened over spring break when we both went home.  He has been very cryptic and won’t say much.  Would it be exaggeration to say I am in shell-shock?  When you are the one more invested in the relationship, you just can’t be prepared for something like this.  I am humiliated on so many levels.  Being casted aside like that does not feel good. I don’t know what I was thinking getting involved with a guy from my class.  He started off as a friend on whom I had an innocent crush, but one I didn’t act on.  But then he asked me out, so I said yes.  Then I began to really like him.  I ended up liking him too much.

If break-ups were simple, they wouldn’t come with such complicated emotions, even ones that should contradict one another.  I never thought I could feel so many things at the same time, or be so irrational.

1.) Part of me feels guilty for ever liking him in the first place, for allowing myself to get carried away and daring to fall for him.  For expecting too much of him.  This must be my comeuppance for being so weak.  But then again, why should it be a crime to like someone?

2.) I still like him.  I still miss him and want to be with him.  I have lingering hope that one of these days, he will wake up, realize he made a mistake, and take me back.  I hate myself for wanting these things.  Anyone who has been on the receiving end of a break-up knows that no matter how not-so-nicely the person treated you, you will have residual feelings for them that only fade with time.

3.) Irrational extremes of nausea, stomach cramps, fear, rage, insecurity, and blind jealousy when I think of the other woman he preferred over me.  Why did he prefer her?  What makes me so disposable?

I know that there is absolutely nothing, and I mean, NOTHING, to be gained from comparing myself to this other girl and letting my self-esteem plummet as a result.  After all, I don’t actually want to BE her.  I want him to choose me.  But this toxic path is too easy for the unchecked mind to follow.  My best solution to this is comparing resentment to eating 20 doughnuts in a row: it’s tempting and easy, but will only make you sick, ruin your heart, and eventually, make you look ugly..

4.) Absolutely no knowledge of how to feel better, or hope that I will get past this.

5.) This is an appeal to any sympathetic, male readers I might have.  How do guys deal with heartbreak?  Do you guys even feel it?  I find myself being curious about this.  I am familiar with the female side, of course, (it usually deals with Adele and chocolate) so I would appreciate hearing more from the male end.

6.) I can’t even see myself liking another guy because I’m STILL attracted to him.  How do I move on from him?  I still love his curly blond hair, beautiful blue eyes, and his cute, dimpled smile.  His laugh and easygoing personality.  Why can’t I stop liking him?????????

7.) Ending up at random places where we used to hang out triggers bouts of misery.

8.) I wish I could stop being miserable and appreciate all the good things in my life.

If you made it through this post, thank you, reader, for dealing with me at my most undignified.

 

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For the Clueless Guys

Something I often hear about, and from, guys is that men are “clueless” and “oblivious” to signals that a girl is interested in them.  I understand that the realm of nonverbal communication and differences in personalities is very nebulous.  However, this statement got me thinking about how I act, or have acted, around guys I’m crushing on.  I can definitely say that I act VERY differently around guys I like vs. guys I don’t have a crush on.  I came up with three basic behaviors I tend to do only around guys I’m interested in.  I should make a caveat that girls do vary across the spectrum of shy and outgoing, and I fall into the former sphere.  This means that I tend to not be as forward or direct as my more outgoing counterparts, and usually try to be coy about things.  This is why for me, nonverbal cues, if you happen to pick up on them, are very telling.

1.)  I touch my hair.

This is probably the most obvious indicator, and practiced by many other women as well.  In general, I have a lot of nervous energy when talking to my crush, and use the fidgety energy to twirl/flip/run my fingers through my hair.  I never randomly touch my hair when talking to anyone else.

2. I try to bring attention to my lips.

This sounds weird, but it’s something I do semi-unconsciously.  I will protrude them into a semi-pout (it’s supposed to look sexy, I swear!), lick them, or bite my lower lip.  Again, this is just another outlet for nervous sexual energy, indicating that my lips really want to kiss your lips.  Just like in the last point, my lips are the last thing I care about when talking to anyone else.  When talking to my crush, I suddenly become aware of them.

3. I tilt my head to the right whilst trying to flash my cutest/most enthusiastic smile.

The head tilt, usually coupled with a smile, is another uber-obvious signal that a woman is trying her darndest to unleash her cute charms onto you.  So pay attention, boys!  Her smile is so sincere that her eyes crinkle and her cheekbones look like they are going to pop out.  When speaking to mere mortals, my head usually remains in its default position – upright.  However, when speaking to the man of my dreams, I look kind of drunk.  That should make things clear.

So there you have three tell-tale nonverbal signs that I (as well as some other girls) have the hots for you.  And then there are the obvious factors like she seems like she enjoys being around you, is reciprocating conversation you, laughing at your jokes (whether or not they are actually good), etc. etc.

What do you think, ladies?  And for the fellas, I hope this has helped you somewhat!

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Straight Hair Privilege

There is a serious issue that has been pressing me as of late.  It is definitely a societal issue that needs to be addressed.  Therefore, I will just come right out and say it.  As someone who is of the bushy, frizzy-haired variety, I notice that straight-haired people don’t realize how damned privileged they are.  Here is my list of grievances:

1.) The most obvious aspect: Straight hair is considered the norm and the default.  It is the featured texture in every advertisement, TV show, film, etc.  The other day I Googled “hair cuts for people with wavy hair” and just got a bunch of images of women who didn’t actually have wavy/curly hair, but of women with straight hair that was styled into waves.

2.) Straight-haired people get to save a significant amount of time, money, and effort.  Being simultaneously voluminous and confused as to what shape it wants to assume (it is neither wavy nor curly, but kind of both), my hair – no matter how many times I brush it – looks naturally messy.  I do everything in my power to tame it: leave-in conditioners, serums, special shampoo and conditioner brands with features like “moisturizing, keratin-enhanced, sleek-and-shine properties”; hair dryers, the most recent cutting-edge iron-straightener technology, etc.  Yet, I still get asked every now and then whether I ever brush my hair.  Every time I hear a straight-haired beeyotch claim that her hair is “frizzy this morning” because she didn’t have time to blow-dry it, I send mental voodoo curses her way.

3.) For the occasional formal event, conference, or job interview, I have to take 3 hours out of my day to make a hair salon appointment and enjoy the pain of the hairdresser aggressively tugging on my hair, getting my scalp burned, and subsequently getting charged extra for the excess products and time used to force my hair to defy its natural tendencies.  And this is to just look acceptably decent.

4.) My hair is considered unprofessional.

5.) Wondering if my significant other will still love me in spite of my hair.

6.) I can never wear my hair down (for the reasons stated above.)  It is always tied back or plaited.  Otherwise, it will look like I got electrocuted.

7.) I suddenly become hydrophobic, and water/rain is seen as the enemy.  There is nothing worse than going through an experience like #3 and walking outside to be greeted by a monsoon rainfall.  And I have to be veeery careful in the bath/shower after doing my hair because the tiniest drop of moisture will flush my appointment money down the toilet.

8.) My hair is the butt of a lot of jokes.

Note: this post is meant to be somewhat satirical of “white privilege” lists…but also happens to be true.  Oh, well.  Bushy-hair represent!

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Annoying American Tourists in Europe

I’m baaack!  (For now.)

I briefly emerged from grad school studies to enjoy a short and quick Europe-trek during my semester break.  I had a fabulous time, but learned quickly that a good traveling companion is hard to find.  My ideal travel companion is one that is adventurous, fun, flexible, and has a matched, if not more, curiosity for the wonders of foreign lands.  I was fortunate enough to have a couple of these along with me on this trip.  However, there were some I wish I left behind.  Since we all fall under the category of “American tourists”, here is a list of what I discovered to be some of the weird/annoying behaviors we exhibit whilst travelling to Europe.

1.) The traveler who is too lazy/hung-over to sightsee.

This person takes one morning trip to the Eiffel Tower and wants to spend the rest of the day napping and/or vegging out in front of the hotel TV or Wi-Fi.  Why this person made an expenditure on an airplane ticket for halfway across the world is beyond me.  I don’t know about you, but I came here to see and learn about new places, have adventures, and gain new experiences.  Maybe even learn a little bit of a foreign language.  What is the big deal about Facebook?  What was the need to clear out the mini-bar and drink yourself into hallucination until 4 a.m.?  I mean, we’re in EUROPE!

2.) The travelers whose idea of traveling is shopping.

You are in the land of centuries-old history, palaces of historic royals and political leaders, magnificent mosques and cathedrals, a whole new culture, and you want to spend your trip at a shopping mall?  This person definitely ranks on my list as the most annoying person to travel with.  This is because there are times where I have to sacrifice chunks of my sight-seeing schedule to standing by while said companion stares at racks and racks of dresses and purses, when she could have just stayed at home to do the same thing.  Besides, you are not exactly getting a great deal out of buyng Zara items in euros than in dollars.  While shopping for souvenirs and products unique to the region is part of the experience, there are too many who dedicate their travels to commercial shopping.

3.) The traveler who, despite being amongst some of the finest coffeeshops in Europe, still complains that they miss their daily $5 Starbucks latte.

In most coffeeshops in Austria and Italy, an espresso and a café latte cost about the same: 1 euro.  This is because Europeans have the sense not to charge, say, an extra 2 euros for frothy milk (the way Starbucks will charge an extra $3.50.)  This is also about the same amount it takes to enjoy a café latte, delicious cappuccino, or just any beverage of your choice in a beautiful, antique Viennese coffeeshop once frequented by Sigmund Freud.  Tourists who hop to the neighboring Starbucks to buy a 5-euro latte in a paper cup need to be eliminated!

I’m sure this is not an exhaustive list on silly American tourist behavior, but these frequent ones continue to baffle me.  However, other than this, I still loved Europe, and would like to return some day as a new and improved tourist.

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It is our choi…

It is our choices…that show us who we truly are, far more than our abilities. — J.K. Rowling

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“Perhaps those …

“Perhaps those who are best suited to power are those who have never sought it.”

~J.K. Rowling

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80 Followers! And a Shout Out to My Friend in Niue!

THANK YOU my loves!

Also, I just have to send a hello to one of my readers from Niue.  This is because until I glanced at my stats page, I had seriously NEVER heard of this country before!  I’m 22!  I should know all the countries by now.

Interesting facts about Niue: The capital is Alofi.  It is a constitutional monarchy under the Queen of England and is self-governing in free association with New Zealand, also operating under the New Zealand currency.  It is not a member state of the UN, which explains why I never heard of it before.

Nice to know I’m reaching all the corners of the globe.  :)

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