I will say right now that, at the moment, I have no idea how this post will turn out. I am writing because I need to externalize what I am feeling right now, before it spirals in my mind into hopeless depression and drives me insane. As you can probably infer from the uncreative title, yes: I have officially joined the likes of Adele, Taylor Swift, P!nk, Beyoncé, Blink 182, and some R&B artists as someone who has been dumped and is milking the self-pity for all it’s worth.
It sucks. A lot. And I’m really, really hurt. His excuse: he has a past…there was another girl…he can’t date me anymore… That is all. I’m guessing something happened over spring break when we both went home. He has been very cryptic and won’t say much. Would it be exaggeration to say I am in shell-shock? When you are the one more invested in the relationship, you just can’t be prepared for something like this. I am humiliated on so many levels. Being casted aside like that does not feel good. I don’t know what I was thinking getting involved with a guy from my class. He started off as a friend on whom I had an innocent crush, but one I didn’t act on. But then he asked me out, so I said yes. Then I began to really like him. I ended up liking him too much.
If break-ups were simple, they wouldn’t come with such complicated emotions, even ones that should contradict one another. I never thought I could feel so many things at the same time, or be so irrational.
1.) Part of me feels guilty for ever liking him in the first place, for allowing myself to get carried away and daring to fall for him. For expecting too much of him. This must be my comeuppance for being so weak. But then again, why should it be a crime to like someone?
2.) I still like him. I still miss him and want to be with him. I have lingering hope that one of these days, he will wake up, realize he made a mistake, and take me back. I hate myself for wanting these things. Anyone who has been on the receiving end of a break-up knows that no matter how not-so-nicely the person treated you, you will have residual feelings for them that only fade with time.
3.) Irrational extremes of nausea, stomach cramps, fear, rage, insecurity, and blind jealousy when I think of the other woman he preferred over me. Why did he prefer her? What makes me so disposable?
I know that there is absolutely nothing, and I mean, NOTHING, to be gained from comparing myself to this other girl and letting my self-esteem plummet as a result. After all, I don’t actually want to BE her. I want him to choose me. But this toxic path is too easy for the unchecked mind to follow. My best solution to this is comparing resentment to eating 20 doughnuts in a row: it’s tempting and easy, but will only make you sick, ruin your heart, and eventually, make you look ugly..
4.) Absolutely no knowledge of how to feel better, or hope that I will get past this.
5.) This is an appeal to any sympathetic, male readers I might have. How do guys deal with heartbreak? Do you guys even feel it? I find myself being curious about this. I am familiar with the female side, of course, (it usually deals with Adele and chocolate) so I would appreciate hearing more from the male end.
6.) I can’t even see myself liking another guy because I’m STILL attracted to him. How do I move on from him? I still love his curly blond hair, beautiful blue eyes, and his cute, dimpled smile. His laugh and easygoing personality. Why can’t I stop liking him?????????
7.) Ending up at random places where we used to hang out triggers bouts of misery.
8.) I wish I could stop being miserable and appreciate all the good things in my life.
If you made it through this post, thank you, reader, for dealing with me at my most undignified.