Let’s Be Real About “Race”

When it comes to dating and attraction, we do tend to be more attracted to certain “races” and physical features than others.  We don’t always verbalize these preferences because it might offend people, but it’s true.  I won’t lie – I am attracted to guys of certain racial backgrounds more so than others because of the physical features that go with it.  When I am walking on the street, certain guys catch my eye more than others.

I am not claiming that certain races/ethnic backgrounds are more attractive, but that I have certain personal preferences.  I am not racist.  I believe every individual is deserving of equal civil rights.  I treat everyone fairly and with respect.  I just can’t help who I am attracted to.

This doesn’t mean that I completely eliminate the possibility of dating guys outside my type.  I’m sure most of us are aware of the fact that 9 times out of 10, people end up falling in love with those who weren’t their “types”.  I would never not date a guy solely because of his race and look, provided he was nice and there was good chemistry between us.

I just wanted to make a point that it is okay to be more attracted to certain physical features than others, even if those physical appearances are overlapped with racial backgrounds.  I think a lot of people are made to feel guilty for not largely being attracted to certain groups in favor of others.  Just remember that it is also okay to give your “non-types” a chance.

The Pressure on 20-somethings

While I think it is important to enjoy your 20s as much as possible, some people don’t realize the pressure 20-something-year-olds tend to be under.  What is this pressure, you may ask?  Well, it is the pressure of having to reach every single life milestone before your 30s.  And you wondered why turning 30 is such a nightmare for some people?

Your 20’s is when you become an adult.  This means:

1. Getting and settling into a stable career that will pay enough to make a decent living for the rest of your life.

2. Finding and getting married to the love of your life.

3. Throwing a huge, expensive wedding to celebrate a well-timed marriage to the love of your life.

4. Having babies with love of your life.

5.  Moving out of that dingy bachelor/bachelorette apartment into a decent home.

6. Becoming a homeowner.

7. Becoming a carowner.

8. Seeing all the parts of Europe you always wanted to see.

9. Going on a road trip.

10. Going on some expensive Caribbean cruise vacay to showcase how much money you earned from your stable job.

Seriously, shouldn’t we save some of the fun for other decades?

She’s Just Not That Into You

Since I started my blog, I developed a liking for looking through various ‘dating’ blogs on the site.  There is a lot of enjoyable material out there.  I like reading blogs written by both girls and guys.  In the guys’ blogs, I like reading about their dating experiences from their perspective, and in the girls’, their perspectives are easy to empathize with (“Yes, I’ve been there.”)

However, I discovered an unsettling amount of blogs written by young guys that are…how do I put it…just very bitter!  A lot of bloggers have trouble getting dates. However, these guys take it to a whole new level.  They are so frustrated that they are legitimately angry at girls for not giving them attention.  I have read rants from “Why are attractive women such bitches??” to “Girls nowadays are so selfish that they think it’s OK to not appreciate men.” (What?)  And there are A LOT of bloggers claiming that girls don’t like “nice guys” like them.  Yep – this topic has made a reappearance!

I won’t call anyone out in this post, but reading these types of comments is very unsettling.  I understand that these bloggers are a small sample size – and maybe I’m extrapolating too much – but I’ve read these comments on so many blogs that it makes me wonder what young guys today are thinking??

There is a whole book, and a film based on that book, called He’s Just Not That Into You dedicated to educating young women on how to accept it when a guy they like does not reciprocate their feelings.  However, it seems that several guys have not received this same healthy education.  When they fail to get a date from a girl they like, they seethe with anger.  They go from liking her to saying mean, disrespectful things about her.  Now, I understand that when getting over your crush, it helps to focus on their flaws.  But there is a difference between focusing on their personal flaws to completely saying dehumanizing things about women and the men they date.  One guy wrote that he hoped that the attractive girls he knew all grew up to become fat and ugly.  Seriously?  That’s mature.  Ironically, this makes them seem nothing like a person I would want to date.  Guys, writing these types of blogs will NOT help you get girls.

Here are some things I think these bloggers need to understand:

Not reciprocating your feelings is not a crime.  No girl is obligated to like you back.  If a girl does not like you back, that in itself does not make her a terrible person.

There are several reasons why she may not be into you.  She is not attracted to you; she doesn’t feel any chemistry or compatibility; she likes someone else; she just went through a break-up; she just plain doesn’t like you.  These are the same reasons you might have for not liking certain girls.

I know it hurts and it sucks when she’s not into you, but you just have to accept it and move on.

When I’ve been rejected by guys, I felt very disappointed and upset.  I do think these guys missed out on something good.  However, I don’t wish for their lives to be ruined.  When a girl gets rejected by a dude, she feels defeated and mopes, and is usually prompted by her friends to move on and get over the guy.  However, for a lot of guys, not reciprocating their interest is unacceptable.  Why??

I’m not saying that girls are always well-behaved.  But this particular imbalance of attitudes towards rejection is something I couldn’t help but notice.  From the blogs I read, guys find rejection more unacceptable than girls.  I think the sooner these guys learn to move on, the happier they will be.

The Nice Guy Cliche

Emma Rivers

I can say, as of now, that I am fortunate to be seeing a nice guy.  I have also dated nice guys in the past, though for various reasons, the partnership did not work out.  (I did, however, once date a not so nice guy who broke up with me over text.  Sigh.)

The reason I am writing this is because I want to discuss a topic which, yes I know, has been beaten to death a million times.  But I’m writing about it anyway.  It’s the answer to the age old question, Do nice guys finish last?  (No pun intended :P)

Nice dudes do not finish last.  If they always finished last, (or…not at all), I would not be dating my current boyfriend, my sister’s husband would never have married her, I wouldn’t have an awesome father and awesome uncles, and my wonderful brother would never have gotten married.

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This PSA is brought to you by female sexuality.

Emma Rivers

Now I understand that men/society JUST CAN’T be as clueless as I see in popular media.  If you’re a guy who has ever dated a girl/girls, you probably know what the deal is by now.  But in case there is any remaining confusion, I would like to clear something up.

WOMEN LIKE SEX.  SERIOUSLY, WE DO.

Not only do we like sex, but we like it just as much as men, if not more!  I know I can’t speak for all women (and more women are welcome to chime in here) but the statistics are never in favor of us.  At least those of us who want to be able to enjoy it as much as our partners.  If my friends and I count as a sample size, we certainly go against stats.

This night happened a good month ago, but it was three of us having a girls’ night…

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Dating Advice Hates Us

Play hard to get.  Be approachable.  Don’t text right away.  Don’t sleep with him on the first date.  Don’t be too easy.  Don’t be too reserved.  Don’t be intimidating.  He probably doesn’t approach you because you’re unattractive.  He won’t approach you if you’re TOO attractive.  Don’t be too innocent.  Don’t come on too strong.  Don’t settle.  Don’t be too picky.

Um, hello.  Is there any chance I can behave like my normal self and still get a date??

Under the guise of trying to help us, dating advice serves more to drive us absolutely cray-cray than actually help us get a date.  And it doesn’t work.  I know, because I tried it.  Yes, I am a fool.  My impressionable teenage self actually thought this stuff was legit.  In reality, it is just a bunch of women’s magazines recycling the same headlines over and over, and a bunch of self-proclaimed “experts” trying to make money off of their books. (Think Like a Man, anyone?)

What if I told you that you could follow every rule in the book, do everything right, walk on eggshells, and follow a very narrow set of acceptable behaviors…and still not succeed?  Welcome to the world of dating.

Dating is unpredictable.  There is no one formula or recipe to getting what you want.  There is no “secret”.  It’s not like baking a cake…where you know if you mix these ingredients together in this order, you will more or less get a cake at the end.

The bad dating “advice” I refer to has been preached by both women and men.  But it sucks all the same.  It is always very patronizing.  It always implies that being you is never enough.  That you have to suppress your actual intentions, try to be coy, and always put on an act.

Contrary to popular belief, it is actually not helpful to ask someone of the opposite sex for dating advice.  This is for two reasons:

1) People do have individual preferences when it comes to choosing partners, and one girl’s advice won’t necessarily be helpful for landing another girl.  I know, because my friends and I always disagree on what we look for in a guy;

2) People are actually not good at articulating what they want.  An excerpt from a book, called You Are Not So Smart by David McRaney comes to mind:

“THE MISCONCEPTION: You know why you like the things you like and the way you feel.  THE TRUTH: The origin of certain emotional states is unavailable to you, and when pressed to explain them, you will just make something up.” (pg. 64)

This conclusion mainly comes from statistical evidence, but to explain his point, Mr. McRaney describes an experiment where a group of people got to choose from a collection of fancy paintings and posters to take home.  One group got to just take something and leave, while another group had to explain verbally their selection.  Assuming that all other variables were in control, they saw overwhelmingly that those who had to explain their choices chose poster’s with inspirational quotes and other sayings, while those who didn’t chose nice paintings and fancy artwork.  In other words, those who had to rationalize their choices chose posters with words on them, and those who didn’t chose the more abstract stuff.

The way I interpret this is that when a person tries to explain why they like a certain guy or girl, do not take it too literally.  In reality, attraction is more inexplicable and abstract than we like to think.  It is not clear why we are more likely to fall in love with one person but not another.

The problem with dating advice is that it makes us forget that romance is emotional, not logical.  I think it is when we try too hard to be methodical and systematic that we fail.  I’m not saying to lay out all your cards on the first date.  But I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m putting on an Oscar-winning performance every time I interact with a dude.

When I think about the guys I previously dated, I never got the chance to date him because I called him exactly 3 days after our first date or because I perfectly timed our hookup.  It was because there was this general thing called “chemistry” and “compatibility”.  We got along and enjoyed each other’s company.  Of course, there are the everyday rules of being polite and considerate to one another -rules that you would apply to any other friendship or interaction.  There is the rule of not being a creeper/stalker.  But as for specific “dating rules”?

If I like a guy, why can’t I act on it?  Why can’t I smile at him, compliment him, and invite him to dinner?  Why do I have to just stand there (or sit there) and wait for him to confirm if I’m desirable?  If I want to sleep with him on the first date, why shouldn’t I?  Maybe I’ve been going through a dry spell.  If it turns out that he thinks I’m a dirty ho-bag for doing so, then I know sooner than later that I don’t want to date him!  If a guy really thinks sex on a first date is inappropriate, he wouldn’t agree to it or propose it in the first place.

There was a wonderful, innocent time when I thought that romance involved two people liking one another.  When I was in high school, my crush was someone I adored, who always made me giddy and smiley, and gave me the warm fuzzies.  Then one day, a group of love experts came along and decided to make love, attraction, and romance the most stressful and complicated battle of egos you could imagine.

People of the world: just do yourself a favor and chuck that “How to Find Mr. Right” book into the trash can.  You are not going to find a date hiding behind self-help articles.

Dating is a lot like learning a language – you eventually just have to put yourself out there and start interacting with people.  Will it be awkward?  Yes.  Will you make mistakes?  Of course!  Will you make a fool out of yourself?  Sometimes.

There will be miscommunication and you will, at times, say something stupid.  But that is all a natural part of dating.  Very few people are perfect when it comes to this stuff.

So just do you and learn from your own mistakes.  You will learn so much more.

What I Wish I Knew in College

So awhile back, I posted a list of things I wish I knew in high school.  However, there is also no shortage of things I wish I knew in college.  Here are some of the things I would have told my freshman-self.  For those of you who are college-bound, feel free to learn from my mistakes.

If only this were my university. We did have a Quidditch team, though.

ACADEMICS

It is okay to go easy your first semester.

I piled my first semester schedule with higher-level calculus early in the morning, Chem 2, Chem 2 lab, Biology, and two other electives.  I had to deal with these classes while still battling homesickness and adjusting to dorm life.  On top of that, I wanted to explore a lot of other aspects of college life (extracurriculars and yes, partying) but didn’t really have time.

Looking back, I realize that it wouldn’t have hurt to fluff up my first semester schedule a little and allow myself to have some fun.  In the grand scheme of things, your transcript from first semester weighs little compared to your last 2 years, and bad scores are actually forgivable if you make up for it later.  So if you want to check out the party scene upon your arrival on-campus, your freshman year is the time to do it rather than later on, when you actually have to get serious.

I realize this advice is not for those serious students who want to graduate ASAP.  Being a good student never hurts!

Go. To. Office Hours!

I caught onto this a little late in my junior year, unfortunately, but I cannot stress this enough.  If you are having ANY trouble with your homework or class material, your professor’s/TA’s office hours should be the first place you go to for help.  I knew too many people who spent bucks on outside tutoring services in lieu of going to any of their professors’ office hours (I didn’t do this.  I was just lazy.)  This makes no actual sense, because you don’t have to pay to go to office hours, and you will be assisted by the same people who write/grade your exams!  So GO TO OFFICE HOURS.  Professors like it when students attend them – it makes them feel that the 2 hours they set aside to sit in their office is actually worth it.  (And go to outside tutoring services as a last resort.)

Do not be intimidated by your professors.  Most of them are really cool, and they are also great for career advice.  

Think about it.  Your professors are a group of people who, instead of choosing a corporate/better-paying job, went to grad school for several more years to spend the rest of their life doing research on their favorite subject and teaching it to a bunch of crazy college kids. Talk about ULTRA-NERD!  (Nerds are cool, btw.)   They are also great to talk to.  I entered college my freshman year still in my high school-mindset that teachers are forever judging me and my work-ethic with disapproving eyes.  However, I discovered that most college profs are actually chill people, and genuinely like talking to their students.

Also, if you are interested in a certain subject (especially in the academic sense), your professors are great to discuss it with because they have been-there, done-that and are happy to discuss their experiences.  If you end up getting along really well with a professor, you can tap them on the shoulder later on for a recommendation later that you will eventually need.

Never buy textbooks from the university bookstore.  

They are too damn expensive.  Always get used copies from Amazon or a used bookstore.

A B- in a hard class is better than an A in an easy course.  

I admit that I took a lot of easy classes to bump up my GPA. However, only now do I realize that this doesn’t fool anyone.  I got an A in Medieval Literature.  Who the hell cares?  If I had taken a course that taught hard skills, like programming or even Stats 2, it would have been more beneficial to me in the long run.  Use your education to tech up.

Learn how to manage stress and utilize campus counseling services when necessary.

If you are going through a prolonged period of feeling stressed and burned out, find ways you can relax periodically.  If you are going through any emotional problems – anything from loneliness to heartbreak – it’s okay to seek temporary counseling to overcome depression.  I found this very helpful.

For goodness sake, GO TO CLASS.

You are paying effing tuition for it.  I also skipped a lot of my stats classes during my second semester, which makes me wonder what the hell was I doing if not in class???

You know how in high school, you would study for a test the night before and still get an A?  That does not work in college.

Trust me on this.  All-nighters SUCK BALLS.  Please get 8 hours of sleep during nighttime hours.  Waking up at noon makes you very unproductive.

Think twice about study abroad.

I don’t regret my study abroad experience, but it is not as important as universities make it out to be.  It is a good travel experience and might be less expensive than if you took a trip on your own.  However, putting it on your resume won’t impress employers as much as universities advertise.  You just have to determine whether this is a good investment for you.  If your career is international in scope, or you are specializing in a foreign language, these experiences might be beneficial.  However, most people know that study abroad is a way for college students to take their partying antics overseas (I mean… broaden their horizons.)

CAREER

Begin job-hunting ASAP.

There is a huge misconception that “real life” begins after you graduate college.  WRONG!! Real life begins IN COLLEGE.  A good job is not going to fall on your lap the minute you receive your diploma.  Job hunting is a lengthy and tedious process, and you have a much better chance of having a job lined up after college if you start looking now.  I did not even begin drafting my CV until junior year.  BIG MISTAKE.  I had no clue what I was doing, and kept having to revise it until well after graduation.

If you can, try to get a job or internship the summer of your freshman year.  Even a job as a waiter or cashier at McDonald’s is very valuable at this stage.  The point is to start saving money and getting some sort of work experience to build on.  If you are going to college, you are going to be behind those people who started working right after high school. Try to have a job/internship lined up for every summer, and working part-time during the semester is not a bad idea either.  Some of my friends who were smarter than me ended up in well-earning positions (even at the exec level!) right after college because they got very valuable work experience beforehand.  So start drafting that resume, get a LinkedIn account, and practice those cover letters!

Learn about ALL of your career options.

If I had known what the hell Environmental Engineering was at the beginning of college, I wouldn’t have to go to grad school for three more years.  Biology was the best major for me because it is the most interdisciplinary in the sciences (meaning you take all courses ranging from chemistry to life sciences to physics.)  However, the Biology program at my school was mainly designed for pre-med students, and I was hard-pressed to find information related to other science career paths like academic science or industrial/pharmaceutical research.

I think the smartest thing I did in college was opt to take Physics with Calculus, even though Bio majors aren’t required to take the Calculus option.  That is 2 prereq’s saved from my master’s degree.  Now I know it is not possible to have everything figured out at the beginning of college, but doing more thorough research beforehand would have done me some good.

Do utilize the Career Center.  It is good for resume/cover letter critiques, career fairs, and information about grad schools and certain companies. However, Career Counselors suck at helping you choose a career path if you happen to be having trouble in that area.

At least in my experience.  This is something you just have to figure out on your own.  I also learned that Career Advisers are actually not allowed to give direct recommendations on major choices.  Go figure!  But it’s also okay if you do not have everything figured out in college (because you don’t.)

Be wary of unpaid internships.  

I entered a program in the summer of my junior year and got a scholarship to intern for a nonprofit health organization in their D.C. headquarters.  Several college students compete every year to intern for a prestigious institution in D.C., whether it be Capitol Hill, the White House, or a well-known organization.  I can’t speak for everyone, but I realized my so-called prestigious internship was just being an unpaid secretary for a fancy organization in the nation’s capital.  I shadowed a supervisor and did entry-level work for no pay…while living in a very expensive city.  Now don’t get me wrong – it was an interesting experience and I did learn stuff, but it wasn’t that instrumental in advancing my career.  I felt that I had made a frivolous decision to spend an entire summer in D.C. doing an unpaid internship, even while supported by a scholarship.  I also had to delay my graduation by a whole semester because I lost time in completing my undergraduate thesis.

Basically, the moral of this exciting story is to also think through the value of doing an unpaid internship.  Here are some warnings: Most don’t really guarantee you a job or even marketable job experience. Since you are not a paid employee, many employers will limit the amount of substantial duties you have.  Internships are also temporary, and won’t give you very extensive job experience.  A lot of students value D.C. internships because they look prestigious on resumes.  But employers are smarter than that – they really look for what you actually accomplished while on the job.  In addition, unpaid internships are for the government and nonprofit organizations.  Never take an unpaid internship offered by a private company – this is just exploitation.

On the other hand, if you don’t have a paying job, an unpaid internship/volunteer work is probably better than doing nothing.  Students doing internships do receive college credit, although this means paying tuition.  I have generally found the system of college internships to be kind of sketchy – it is a way organizations have found to hire entry-level positions for free and take advantage of inexperienced college students.  Proceed with caution.

Don’t over-identify with your major/career choice.  It will take out a lot of stress.

I will be honest: no job you do will be fun 100% of the time and will get monotonous after awhile.  When I was in college, I – and a lot of other students like myself – over-analyzed our career decisions.  What if I end up in a job I don’t like??  Am I sealing my fate?

The answer is no.  In the end of the day, your work is your work and doesn’t have to be your whole life.  In my opinion, it doesn’t matter so much whether you love your job, but that you don’t hate it.  Loving your job is ideal, but isn’t always possible.  You don’t want to waste your life away obsessing too much over your career and not enjoying the other dimensions of your life: friends, family, travel, hobbies, etc.

You do not have to be super special to accomplish what you want.

Being a genius, Ivy League grad, or the heir to a kingdom is always nice, but in the end of the day, it is hard work and dedication that gets you through.  I have been blessed with many opportunities in my life, but it wasn’t until the end of college when I realized how much people can progress.  I recently caught up some of my old high school friends.  A girl I knew who used to live with a single mother on welfare recently graduated with a nursing degree. One of the biggest slackers I knew actually got it together and got into medical school!  It turned out he was smarter than he thought.

Just remember that you are not any more or less special than anyone else, and are equally deserving of the success you want.  Don’t be afraid of your dreams.

Good luck and kick ass in college!

  I will clarify here that I am NOT a certified career adviser/counselor of any type, and I don’t have a PhD in anything.  I am just giving this advice based on my own experiences and personal regrets/reflections.  

Feel free to check out other people’s perspectives on this topic.  Here are some articles I really liked.

 Common Sense Things I Wish I Knew Before Going to College

7 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Graduated  I want to point out that a person in this article says that study abroad is a lot cheaper than travelling on your own, whereas I wasn’t sure. Study abroad is a lot of fun so if this is true for you, go for it!

Another controversial topic I noted in my post is that of internships.  A lot of these types of lists have a positive stance on internships – paid or unpaid – to get experience.  Like I mentioned, I don’t condemn them, but I strongly recommend that you make sure your unpaid internship is worthwhile.  I also found an interesting WordPress article on unpaid internships.

The Stigma on “Boomerang Kids” is Culturally Biased

Leave it to another ignorant Yahoo article to inspire one of my rant posts.  However, I feel like this one – titled “How long is too long to live with your parents?” – embodies some popular perceptions that I would like to clear up.

Basically, the article laments that young adults nowadays are living too long in their parents’ homes before moving out and starting an independent life for themselves (hence the nickname “boomerang kids”.)  This post is actually not about the already widely-used counterarguments against this accusation: the state of the economy, the unemployment rate, etc.  I am arguing that there is nothing wrong with a child living with their parents provided that they themselves achieve financial independence.

I realize that this article focuses on deadbeat college graduates who are taking a little too long to find a job or get into graduate school.  But there is a huge disparity in Western and non-Western attitudes when it comes to families of different generations living in the same home, and I felt the need to explain some things.

I will first start with some background on myself: I grew up in a particularly diverse area of San Francisco, where there is a large population of Asian and Hispanic descent.  I myself come from a mixed South Asian/Middle Eastern background. (My mother is Pakistani originally and my father Iranian.  How this union came about is for another story.  Also, if you have read my other blogs, you will understand why I initially left out this tidbit of information.  My current lifestyle and my cultural upbringing completely butt heads, and might have caused cognitive dissonance in some readers.  I, however, was actually born in London, which is where my parents picked up the name ‘Emma’.)

The reason I shared this information is because in many Hispanic and Asian cultures, it is normal for extended families and multiple generations to live together. They are referred to as “multigenerational households” in anthropological terms.  For example, in Pakistan, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and my cousins all live in the same apartment building.  This is completely normal.  Two of my cousins are in their 30’s and have jobs and everything, but it is still acceptable for them to continue living in their childhood homes.

This lifestyle, thus, also translates to places in the West (like America or London), where many people from South Asia or Latin America relocate.  In San Francisco, I have many Hispanic neighbors who are, in fact, multigenerational households. Meaning the grandparents, in-laws, parents, and lastly the children all live under one roof.  The parents are not deadbeats living on welfare.  They have careers and send their children to school. Once the parents achieve financial independence, their roles switch to becoming caretakers for THEIR parents and becoming the ones who pay rent/mortgage.

The entrance of multigenerational households into the nuclear household structure is akin to fitting a square inside a circle.  America just doesn’t get it yet.  The aforementioned article also pushes an assumption very tightly ingrained into the notion of the American dream: that every American aspires to become a homeowner by their 30’s.  This is also around the time they get married and start a family.  It is just a widely accepted rite of passage.  It never occurs to these traditionally-minded people that if a family decides to own a home, it is a transition that can actually be shared with other, extended family members.

In conclusion, I just want to lay it down that a young adult can, in fact, live with their family and still be financially responsible and productive, especially if they are the ones who later end up taking care of the house and family.  The article just pushes a very unnecessary negative stigma against extended families/multigenerational households, insisting that anyone who does not move out of their childhood home by the time they’re 18-21 years old cannot grow and mature otherwise.  I admit that I myself prefer to live on my own when my mother would gladly have me live with her for the rest of my life. (I currently live separately from my parents in my college town, where I work as a research assistant), But I don’t judge those who do otherwise.  I mean, what is wrong with wanting to spend your life with your family? Nothing.

Going Dutch

Should guys pay for first dates?

Is it normal to expect someone you barely know to treat you to an expensive dinner?

Maybe it’s because I didn’t really start dating until college, but this cultural standard always seemed strange to me.  From my point of view, it makes more sense for couples to spend money on each other AFTER they have been dating for awhile – not the other way around.

All this expectation accomplishes is that it makes the end of every first date very awkward. First of all, as a girl, I don’t feel comfortable just sitting back and waiting for my date to pick up the tab.  This is just not very good manners.  But if I do suggest paying half or my portion, I most probably cause the guy to go through some inner turmoil – he can’t tell whether I’m just being polite but will still judge him if he lets me pay my half, or if I am actually serious.

And then, what if after a few dates, it doesn’t work out?  If I am the one breaking things off, I will feel guilty that he had treated me to a bunch of fruitless dates.  (And to those girls who think it’s okay to use guys for free meals: get out of here because you are a jerk.)  Another possibility is that if he DOES pay, he will expect something in return.

Now if a guy genuinely insists on treating me, I won’t argue further or make a big deal out of it. But I generally feel that the norm should shift to going Dutch (…as they say.  No actual offense to the Dutch) and then personal preferences should work from there.

I have actually gotten into legit arguments with some of my girl friends on this matter. Some say that a guy paying for the date indicates that he is actually invested in you and is a romantic gesture.  But I can think of several other romantic gestures a guy can make than pay for my steak.  And if everything else (conversation, chemistry, goodnight kiss) goes well, I have to assume he doesn’t care based on his paying?  I argued that men have tight budgets, too (we were all college students, after all) and that it isn’t fair for them to have to pay for 2 meals, 2 movie tickets, etc. on every date.

Basically, this tiny issue has always been a huge cause of dating stress for me!  I just feel weird about expecting strangers to pay for my meals.

Can some guys chime in here?  What are your feelings/attitudes towards paying on dates? What should we chicks do when the bill arrives?  Do you agree with me that we should change the norm??  We would love to hear!

Why Coffee Dates Rule

For me, the perfect first date is just going out for coffee.  Here is why coffee (and/or tea) dates are the best:

1.)  You don’t get interrupted by a waiter/waitress every 10 minutes, and just get to have a comfortable chat for as little or as long as you want.

2.)  In the event, that the date doesn’t go well, you can make up an excuse and swiftly leave after finishing your beverage (or if it is really bad, before.)  If it is going well, you can stay for a good hour or 2 and don’t have to leave right after paying your bill.

3.)  You don’t have to worry about talking with food in your mouth, lettuce in your teeth, or getting streak sauce down your front.  Coffee/tea is a relatively neat beverage.

4.)  It’s not too expensive.  (Well, if it’s Starbucks, it will be a little expensive.)

5.)  Coffee dates usually center on the conversation – AKA the most important part of the first date.  What I want to do more than anything on a first date is get to know the person I am going on the date with.  Call me boring – but when it comes to first dates, I have no desire to see a movie (something I can do on my own or with friends), ride roller coasters (your first impression of me will be that I scream like a maniac), or play mini-golf.  A good ole’ chat will be fine.